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[0:00] Jonathan Cook: Holiday greetings and welcome back to Gathered by the Ghost Light. I'm Jonathan Cook, your host, producer, sometimes voice actor on this thing. And as we approach the end of 2025, we just want to tell you how thankful we are to all of you for tuning in. And we've gained more listeners this year than any year previously, and we appreciate you and we hope you stick around and you keep enjoying the show. Now today's episode, it's another one from our Remastered series. It's a dark comedy called North Pole Noir written by Patrick Gabridge. It was originally released during our second season back in 2021. And this version you're about to hear, it's been re-edited, remixed, and remastered for your listening pleasure.

Now many of you are likely familiar with the Rankin Bass animated holiday classics, but what if there's more to the stories? What if you only heard the watered down versions? Well today you're going to take a dark look at the underside of the North Pole as Detective Harvey the Elf tries to solve the murder of Frosty the Snowman. Now, gather round the ghost light, sit back and enjoy. This is North Pole Noir.

[1:21] Harvey the Elf: There are a million ways to die in this frostbitten town. Getting melted into a puddle isn't usually one of them. But Christmas is a messy business. When she walked through my door, I should have known I'd get coal in my stocking. Again. Prancer, she's the closest thing we have to royalty in the North Pole. One of the eight. Nine if you count that freak of nature, Rudolph. Wait on the street, is that you're an elf? Who knows how to solve problems? I might have a passing acquaintance with trouble.

[1:56] Prancer: And you went on that adventure with Rudolph?

[1:58] Harvey the Elf: That was my cousin, the dentist, Harvey. I'm Harvey. What kind of trouble are you in, Prancer?

[2:05] Prancer: It's not me. It's my boyfriend, Professor Hinkle.

[2:08] Harvey the Elf: The murder of Frosty the Snowman? In the version most people know, after failed magician Professor Hinkle melts Frosty by locking him in a greenhouse, the snowman gets brought back to life by a brisk December wind and some Christmas magic. But in the real world, by the time Hinkle's rabid hocus pocus brought Santa to help, it was too late for anything besides a mop in a bucket. Frosty melted, but Hinkle didn't do it.

[2:33] Prancer: Seems like an open and shut case, literally.

[2:36] Harvey the Elf: On the outside, the professor seems like a washed up evil magician who wouldn't recognize magic if it smacked him in the face with a snowball. But he's a lover, not a fighter. That little girl Karen spun the story so everyone believed Frosty was this big, warm-hearted magical snowman. But if you ever met him, you'd know that behind that corncob pipe and button nose was a world of pain. The image of Karen weeping over the puddle in the greenhouse would have broken my heart if it wasn't already smashed to pieces and soaked in peppermint schnapps. Tragic, yes. But it wasn't the professor.

[3:11] Prancer: Then who was it?

[3:12] Harvey the Elf: You're the detective. Why don't you see if you can bumble your way to the truth?

[3:18] Harvey the Elf: Sometimes it's better not to stick your hand into the icy hornet's nest of North Pole intrigue. But love and justice are in short supply up here. I couldn't turn her away.

[3:30] Santa: Ho, ho, ho! You've reached Santa. Sorry I can't get to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number and what you'd like for Christmas—

[3:39] Harvey the Elf: Santa wouldn't take my calls, and Karen was nowhere to be found. That left Hocus Pocus, the magician's rabbit. I found him in a flophouse, hopped up on carrot juice.

[3:52] Harvey the Elf: Maybe it's time for you to lay off the sauce, rabbit.

[3:55] Hocus Pocus: Bite me!

[3:56] Harvey the Elf: I want to talk to you about what happened at the greenhouse.

[3:59] Hocus Pocus: Don't play dumb with me, you lousy lagomorph. Amanda's in jail, writing I'm sorry for what I did to Frosty a hundred zillion times.

[4:07] Hocus Pocus: Screw you!

[4:08] Harvey the Elf: What happened that night?

[4:10] Hocus Pocus: I went to get Santa. We flew back in the sleigh, and when I got there, Karen was crying over the puddle that used to be Frosty. Santa yelled at Hinkle, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[4:20] Harvey the Elf: But did you see what actually happened to Frosty?

[4:23] Hocus Pocus: Karen told us what happened. She and Frosty had been running away from Hinkle, sought shelter in the greenhouse, and he locked them in. End of story, end of snowman.

[4:33] Harvey the Elf: You believe her?

[4:34] Hocus Pocus: That magician was stingy with the carrots. I worked with him for years, and he's still treating me like an animal. I came up with his best tricks. Did I ever get any credit? You try hiding in a smelly old hat day after day.

[4:48] Harvey the Elf: Maybe you and Karen conspired to put the blame on Hinkle.

[4:51] Hocus Pocus: I would never kill Frosty just to even the score.

[4:54] Harvey the Elf: Did you see Hinkle do it?

[4:56] Hocus Pocus: I was running to get Santa. The only one who really knows is Karen.

[5:00] Harvey the Elf: I can't find her.

[5:02] Hocus Pocus: Keep in mind, Karen has a very bad taste in men.

[5:05] Harvey the Elf: Where is she?

[5:06] Hocus Pocus: Why would I tell you?

[5:08] Harvey the Elf: If you don't, I'm gonna punch you in the mouth.

[5:10] Hocus Pocus: Okay, okay, okay, geez. After Frosty died, Karen fell apart. Couldn't find a place that made any sense, so she went somewhere where you don't have to make sense.

[5:21] Harvey the Elf: Florida?

[5:22] Hocus Pocus: Farther north.

[5:23] Harvey the Elf: Ah, the Island of Misfit Toys.

[5:26] Hocus Pocus: You didn't hear it from me. I'm out of here.

[5:30] Harvey the Elf: I jumped on an ice floe and headed for the island. I finally found her in a juke joint deep in a crevasse. She was up on stage crooning to a small audience.

[5:41] Karen: Thumpity, thump, thump, thumpity, thump, thump, look at Frosty go.

[5:47] Karen: Thumpity, thump, thump, thumpity, thump, thump, over the fields of snow, over the fields of snow.

[5:59] Karen: Frosty the snowman had to hurry on his way, so he waved goodbye.

[6:16] Karen: He said, don't you cry, I'll be back again someday.

[6:47] Karen: Thank you.

[6:52] Harvey the Elf: Buy you a drink?

[6:54] Karen: It's the season for gifts.

[6:56] Harvey the Elf: Two eggnogs.

[6:57] Karen: Coming right up.

[7:01] Harvey the Elf: You're not an easy girl to find, Karen.

[7:04] Karen: I just want to be left alone.

[7:06] Harvey the Elf: I know your wounds run deep.

[7:08] Karen: It was the magician. Hinkle, everyone knows it.

[7:12] Harvey the Elf: Convenient fall guy. One who had already rubbed Santa the wrong way. Maybe the big guy doesn't like other people horning in on his holiday magic act.

[7:20] Karen: You think it was Santa? Good luck spreading that one around.

[7:24] Harvey the Elf: You and Frosty knew each other for a while. First down south, then trudging across the tundra. Swept you off your feet with that broom of his.

[7:30] Karen: I'd never met anyone like him.

[7:33] Karen: Hopped onto that refrigerated boxcar, and the rest was history.

[7:42] Harvey the Elf: But the life of a snowman wasn't exactly warm and fuzzy.

[7:46] Karen: The nights are awfully long north of the Arctic Circle.

[7:51] Harvey the Elf: But he loved me.

[7:53] Karen: I'm sure he did. But he maybe wasn't the only man around capable of impressing a pretty young thing.

[7:59] Harvey the Elf: You need to leave.

[8:01] Karen: Maybe Frosty wouldn't let you go.

[8:03] Harvey the Elf: I saw the other side of him. One that was as cold as ice.

[8:07] Karen: Maybe you found a way to melt your way out of the situation.

[8:11] Karen: I was just a girl. He was a big, strong snowman. I couldn't push him around even if I wanted to.

[8:17] Harvey the Elf: Unless you had help. Those are some nice earrings you're wearing. Silver and gold.

[8:22] Karen: Don't say I didn't warn you.

[8:24] Harvey the Elf: Maybe they were a gift from the other man.

[8:26] Karen: I begged him. Just like I'm doing with you, walk out of here while you still can.

[8:32] Harvey the Elf: All right. Where is he?

[8:34] Karen: Yukon Cornelius. The Prospector. He'd helped my cousin and Rudolph back in the day. I know that little elf's around here somewhere.

[8:43] Yukon Cornelius: Hey! The lady's been telling you to make like a bumble and bounce.

[8:47] Harvey the Elf: Bumble? It was you.

[8:49] Yukon Cornelius: None. That's all you know.

[8:52] Harvey the Elf: Leave him alone, Yukon.

[8:54] Yukon Cornelius: I'm just here to be helpful.

[8:56] Harvey the Elf: Looks like you helped with Frosty.

[8:58] Yukon Cornelius: You could have shot him, stabbed him, flayed him with that whip of yours.

[9:02] Harvey the Elf: But I didn't.

[9:03] Yukon Cornelius: No. You melted him.

[9:05] Harvey the Elf: Somebody did.

[9:07] Yukon Cornelius: The greenhouse door doesn't lock. Someone strong has to be on the other side, holding it shut.

[9:13] Harvey the Elf: Not like Professor Hinkle, the geeky magician.

[9:16] Yukon Cornelius: No. Frosty was tundra tough. Would have taken a lot of muscle to keep that door shut as he struggled for his life.

[9:23] Harvey the Elf: You'll find out exactly how strong I am, Mr. Elf.

[9:28] Yukon Cornelius: Let me go.

[9:29] Harvey the Elf: Nobody gets between me and Karen. I've risked too much.

[9:32] Yukon Cornelius: Let him go, Yukon.

[9:35] Karen: Or I'll shoot.

[9:37] Harvey the Elf: Karen, put the gun away.

[9:40] Karen: No one will miss him.

[9:42] Karen: On the island of Misfit Toys there are no witnesses.

[9:46] Harvey the Elf: Help!

[9:48] Yukon Cornelius: Congrats on solving the mystery, little man. Too bad no one will ever know.

[9:57] Harvey the Elf: No!

[10:01] Harvey the Elf: Karen!

[10:03] Yukon Cornelius: It was all for you.

[10:08] Harvey the Elf: Thank you, Karen.

[10:10] Yukon Cornelius: And how about I hold that gun for you?

[10:22] Harvey the Elf: Hinkle got out free. I backed up Karen's new story. That it was all Yukon's doing. Who could prove otherwise? I knew enough to stay away from the girl with the puffy white earmuffs. She'd already taken down the two toughest hombres in the Arctic.

[10:44] Prancer: You did a good thing, Mr. Harvey.

[10:46] Harvey the Elf: Well, Prancer, I'm glad it worked out.

[10:49] Prancer: So were we. This is for you.

[10:54] Harvey the Elf: This is more money than we agreed.

[10:56] Prancer: There's a bonus. From the Abominable Snowman.

[11:04] Harvey the Elf: I didn't know the Abominable had put a price on Yukon's head. Their grudge ran deep. And he found a way to rope me into settling it. So much for this being all about love and justice. I needed a drink.

[11:16] Harvey the Elf: To wash out the bad taste in my mouth and temper the darkness in a place where the sun never rises and the words Merry Christmas offer little comfort.

[11:30] ♪ Musical number: "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" — performed by Unknown performer ♪

[12:07] Jonathan Cook: This has been a Gathered by the Ghostlight audio production produced by Jonathan Cook and Devon McSherry. Today's remastered audio drama, North Pole Noir, was written by Patrick Gabridge. It was performed by Adam Cowart as Harvey the Elf, Chelsea Glass as Prancer, Bryson Chapman as Hocus Pocus, Devon McSherry as Karen, Tom Colechin as Yukon Cornelius, Rob Smith as Santa and the Bartender, and musician Lynsay Ryan as Karen's singing voice with her songs Dark Frosty and Dark Wonderland, directed and edited by Jonathan Cook, title music by JK47. This program is funded in part by the South Carolina Arts Commission, which receives support from the National Endowment for the Arts. Stay safe, have a great holiday, a happy new year, and we'll see you next time we Gather by the Ghostlight.