This transcript was automatically generated and might contain errors.

[0:01] Jonathan Cook: Hey there everyone, this is Jonathan Cook, and I just want to give you a quick introduction to today's episode. What you are about to hear is our second annual STAGE FRIGHTS, and it was filmed and recorded in front of a live audience at Le Chat Noir Theatre in Augusta, Georgia. So what you are about to hear is all the audio from that entire performance, and like I said earlier, we also filmed the entire show, and that video has already been released on our YouTube channel. So, if you want to go check out how we staged all these creepy stories and shared them with the audience, go find us on YouTube, just do a search for Gather by the Ghost Light, hit that subscribe button while you're there, and if you happen to be listening to this on Spotify right now, the video is just going to magically pop right up as soon as I'm done talking. So there you go. Enjoy.

[0:56] Jonathan Cook: Actors! They're not worth the skin they're printed on. Oh, look at that. People. Hi. Devin! Hey! You're not going to believe this. Fortuno needs his arm back. Look, look. People. Good evening. Tonight we're going to be recording some audio plays, and we do that often, but we don't normally do it with an audience. Usually we're in a studio, or a dungeon, or a dungeon studio, when we record our actors. So, good evening, and welcome to Stage Frights, the sequel-ish. Now, the plays we're recording, we're recording live tonight, we have our sound guy, Nick, capturing everything we do up here tonight, yes. With that in mind, things may go right, things may go wrong, but we're going to have a lot of fun either way.

[2:10] Jonathan Cook: Now, if you tuned into our Stage Frights last year, you may remember that, like Devin said, we recorded those plays at the Frightmare Theatre dungeon studio, located on the outskirts of how the hell did I get here? Due west of where the fuck is this? Right around the corner from, no really, where the hell am I? And you may also remember from last year that we ran into the infamous Dr. Necropolis and his vile cultists, and they tried to sacrifice our actors. Yes, the infamous Dr. Necropolis. That guy. Not only did he try to sacrifice our actors, he tried to sacrifice Devin too. True story. Go listen to it.

[2:48] Jonathan Cook: But, here we are, we are recording here for you tonight at Le Chat Noir in Augusta, Georgia. Home of the unique, the one-of-a-kind, the spooky. Yes, see, we have reached into our vault of curiosities, and we have placed them in our Frights Gallery here for you, and each story, each relic you see here has its own unique, eerie story. A wretched story that may linger with you after you leave. Now, some of the items are cursed. Some possessed. And some are, well, we can't risk touching them because of their delicate, ungodly nature. But rest assured, every story you hear tonight will be prompted by one of the artifacts you see up in our gallery here.

[3:39] Jonathan Cook: Oh, and good news, there is no risk of our actors being sacrificed this year. That's right, because they're all already dead. There you go. That's the way to do it. Yes. All the actors you see performing at the mics tonight, they're all merely corpses. Yes. We rented them for the evening to perform the shows for you. Hey, let's show them the girls.

[4:04] Jonathan Cook: Ladies and gentlemen, the Grizzly Sisters. Some scary. Some funny. A screaming delight. Gathered by the ghost light for some stage fright. Yeah. You see, you'd never be able to tell they were dead, or undead, or whatever we want to call them. Yeah, and she should know, because she's an expert. Devin actually works part-time at one of these companies that rents out corpses. It's a place called Rent-A-Stiff. When you gotta have a body or cadaver, call us, we're Rent-A-Stiff. Yes, that's the place.

[4:50] Jonathan Cook: Now, let's move on to our... Wait, hold on, hold on. What? Since Rent-A-Stiff is a sponsor, we do have to do a flashback scene contractually to the Rent-A-Stiff store. Whoa, whoa, whoa. A flashback scene? Yeah, to the moment when the owner, Dr. Utt, made his greatest discovery. You're telling me that we have to start our exclusive one-night-only event with a flashback scene? Yeah, contractually. It was in the contract, man. Okay, well, how do you even do a flashback scene in live theater? I don't understand. I think you just, like, wave your arms like this, and then fade backward. That's ridiculous. Just do it. Oh, my God. Okay. Oh, and let's do some transition lighting. There we go.

[5:31] Jonathan Cook: When you gotta have a body or cadaver, call us, we're Rent-A-Stiff. Need somebody to hide under your covers so your mommy doesn't know you sneaked out for the night? Want a plus one in your passenger seat so you can drive in the carpool lane? Halloween is lurking just around the corner. Be the talk of the neighborhood with a real, live, dead guy on your front porch holding your candy bowl. Ooh, I can hear the kiddies screaming with delight. Call 555-2639. That's 555-BODY. Or come on down to Rent-A-Stiff, human taxidermist specialists. We're six feet under the interstate on the corner of Sixth and Main by the river.

[6:20] Jonathan Cook: When you gotta have a body or cadaver. Can we help you? Of course we can. Call us, we're Rent-A-Stiff. Ring, ring, ring. I have been running that radio commercial for a month and silent as a crypt. Devon, Devon. It's Devon. Yes, Mr. Utt. Devon, how many orders have come in through the internet? You mean the internet, Mr. Utt? Yes. None, Mr. Utt. None? What is wrong with people these days? Rent-A-Stiff used to be the hottest cadaver boutique in the tri-state area, especially at Halloween. And now my business is dried up like a withered corpse. If I don't get some rental soon, it could be the final nail in my coffin.

[7:15] Mr. Utt: Everybody's going to that new place that just opened up. What new place? Lease the deceased. What? Yeah, they're all the rage. Lying around the block. I saw Mrs. Lugosi there picking up a few bodies for her haunted house. What? She is one of our best customers. Why would she do that? I've been trying to tell you. All of our stiffs are old and outdated. We haven't had anything new in years. Do you know how many of those stiffs are held together with duct tape and chicken wire? And the clothes they're wearing are from the 1950s.

[8:04] Mr. Utt: They are classics. And they're all customer favorites. Smiling Sid, waving William, sleeping Sally. They were favorites. Lease the deceased is over on 13th Street by the outlet mall and the morgue. So they've got fresh corpses in the latest fashions. I hear they're even doing animatronics now. They move. What? That was my idea. I was going to unveil Moving Morty next week. I hear that they also do custom packages with deceased loved ones. Oh, their tagline is, we'll rig your mortis. Enough! How do you even know about this place and I don't? And why were you there talking to Mrs. Lugosi and not bringing her here?

[8:40] Devon: Well, settle down. I was just checking out the competition so that we know what we're up against. And how do you not know about them? They're all over the place. What do you mean? TV, Internet, social media. I don't do any of those things. I know. That's the problem. You're not keeping up with the times. I had to beg you to let me set up a website. And it's not doing a thing for me. Because when you put your old crap online, it looks old and like crap. You need something new about that secret project you've been working on.

[9:17] Mr. Utt: What do you mean? I don't know. You spend all of your time up in the attic. And when I ask you about it, you say you're working on something. Is it maybe a new body we can advertise? What is it? It is none of your business. Well, I hope it's some of your business or you'll be out of business. All right. It is something. Something secret. Something big. It will put Rent-A-Stiff back on top. And Lease the Deceased will cease to exist. But I must know I can trust you. Do you swear not to tell another soul living or dead what I am about to tell you?

[10:01] Devon: Yeah, I swear. What is it? I have discovered. Yeah, I have discovered a way to a way to. I have discovered a way to bring a way to bring a customer. Greetings, madam. Well, welcome to Rent-A-Stiff. Your premier human taxidermist specialists. I am Mr. Utt, the grim renter at your service. May I interest you in my card? Oh, yes. Francis Kinstein. Kinstein. It's pronounced Kinstein. And please call me Fran. Oh, yes. Of course. Fran Kinstein, proprietor of Lease the Deceased.

[10:49] Mr. Utt: How dare you come in here? Yeah. What do you think you're doing? And how dare you open a store in my town and try to steal my customers? I have been a monolith of this community for decades. They may have had their heads turned with your fancy outfits and your new corpse smell. But when they realize that you're just a cheap knockoff who doesn't care about them or their moratorial needs, they will come back to me. Riveting speech. But I'm not a patient woman. So let me be Frank. I want to buy you out.

[11:30] Mr. Utt: What? Ha! Nonsense. That was not the plan. Our plan? That was not our plan. We were just discussing. You can't compete with me. And it would be far too tedious to wait for your tired little business to wheeze out its last breath. So let me put you out of my misery. Two hundred thousand dollars. Cash. Now. For everything. The building, the inventory and all past, present and future research. I have never been so insulted in all of my life. Get out.

[12:14] Fran: If you insist. But when I go, the offer lives with me. Wait. It is a generous offer. Yes, it is. And I am getting old and tired. Yeah. Yeah. You've been saying that a lot lately. And business has been decomposing for a while. Maybe. And I don't know if I can finish the you know what on my own. Oh, the secret project. Right. I'm sure whatever you figured out how to do, Fran can perfect it. Just like she did with the animatronics.

[12:59] Mr. Utt: Miss Kinstein, this is a lot to process. May I have some time to consider your offer? I won't keep you waiting long. I promise. Very well. You can have until tomorrow. But be warned. If you refuse me, I will cremate you. Good day, Mr. Utt.

[13:27] Devon: You know, hold on, Mr. Utt. You betrayed me. I would never. What are you? She said your name. I'm sure you said it. No, she knows you. And you two had a plan. Wait, I can explain. You gave her my animatronics and you were trying to find out my secret in the attic. So you could give that to her, too. It's your fault. OK, I've tried to help you, but you won't listen and you won't innovate. Morty was 40 years dead and falling to pieces even with the rigging. He was never going to save your business.

[14:04] Unknown speaker: But she was offering me a chance to revolutionize our industry with cadaver robotics.

[14:10] Unknown speaker: So I did what I had to do.

[14:12] Unknown speaker: Yes, you did. And it's okay. I'm not mad.

[14:17] Unknown speaker: You're not?

[14:18] Unknown speaker: No, no. You've helped me, actually.

[14:22] Unknown speaker: I did? With what?

[14:23] Unknown speaker: Well, with the secret project in the attic.

[14:26] Unknown speaker: You see, I have made a discovery. You could call it an innovation.

[14:31] Unknown speaker: But I've been having a problem getting it to actually work.

[14:37] Unknown speaker: What is it?

[14:38] Unknown speaker: I have discovered a way to bring the dead back to life.

[14:44] Unknown speaker: What?

[14:46] Unknown speaker: It's true. I can bring a corpse fully back to life and fully under my control.

[14:53] Unknown speaker: That's amazing! But what's the problem?

[14:56] Unknown speaker: No, you were right. All of our bodies are too old.

[15:00] Unknown speaker: The process of reanimation takes a massive amount of energy.

[15:05] Unknown speaker: Let's see, the first stiff exploded, the second burnt to a crisp.

[15:10] Unknown speaker: And even when I succeeded, they only lasted hours, sometimes only minutes, before they were gone again.

[15:19] Unknown speaker: So you can really do it? You can bring the dead back to life? You just need...

[15:24] Unknown speaker: that new corpse smell.

[15:27] Unknown speaker: What are you saying? Why are you looking at me like that?

[15:31] Unknown speaker: You've solved my problem!

[15:34] Unknown speaker: You can't be serious!

[15:36] Unknown speaker: You're going to revolutionize the industry!

[15:40] Unknown speaker: No, wait, that's not what I meant!

[15:44] Unknown speaker: Come back here, Devon! I'll tear you down!

[15:55] Unknown speaker: When you gotta have a body or cadaver, call us, we're Ventus Tips!

[16:00] Unknown speaker: That's right, folks, there's already a waiting line longer than a funeral procession.

[16:05] Unknown speaker: Reserve your turn today with Devon Alive, our first fully reanimated cadaver companion.

[16:12] Unknown speaker: She cooks, she cleans, she cuddles.

[16:15] Unknown speaker: You'll be the talk of the cocktail party when you stroll in with Devon on your arm.

[16:20] Unknown speaker: Comes with remote control, instruction manuals, and...

[16:26] Unknown speaker: an emergency sewing kit.

[16:30] Unknown speaker: Call 555-2639, that's 555-BUDDY!

[16:35] Unknown speaker: Or come on down to Rent-A-Stiff, human taxidermist specialists.

[16:39] Unknown speaker: We're six feet under the interstate, on the corner of Sticks and Main, by the river.

[16:48] Unknown speaker: When you gotta have a body or cadaver...

[16:51] Unknown speaker: Can we help you? Of course we can!

[16:55] Unknown speaker: Call us, we're Ventus Tips!

[17:09] Unknown speaker: So, one thing we forgot to mention is that, like all the other actors you see tonight, Devon is also a walking corpse.

[17:17] Unknown speaker: Unfortunately, she couldn't escape the clutches of Mr. Rutt.

[17:22] Unknown speaker: Thanks, girls.

[17:23] Unknown speaker: But, have no fear, she's been reanimated, she's in perfect working condition, and even still has that new corpse smell.

[17:30] Unknown speaker: Don't smell me.

[17:31] Unknown speaker: Alright, contract obligations have been fulfilled.

[17:34] Unknown speaker: Now we can go on with our spooky tales.

[17:37] Unknown speaker: Yes, yes, the recording.

[17:38] Unknown speaker: Sorry, go get us some actors, get them some scripts.

[17:40] Unknown speaker: Will do, Scooby-Doo.

[17:42] Unknown speaker: Alright, our first story of the evening involves this.

[17:48] Unknown speaker: Let me just get that from you, buddy.

[17:50] Unknown speaker: Alright, this locket.

[17:53] Unknown speaker: Now, it may look simple enough, but this piece of jewelry was once witness to betrayal.

[18:00] Unknown speaker: More importantly, a grisly death.

[18:03] Unknown speaker: They say this locket houses an angry spirit, one that can never rest.

[18:10] Unknown speaker: Now, the story you are about to hear takes place in the crematorium of a failing funeral parlor.

[18:18] Unknown speaker: Our mortician has one final body to run through the cremator before they close up for good.

[18:27] Unknown speaker: Now, gather round the ghost light, sit back and enjoy.

[18:32] Unknown speaker: This is The Last Death.

[18:35] Unknown speaker: There's only one way to get your kicks.

[18:38] Unknown speaker: Another body burned up to a crisp.

[18:41] Unknown speaker: The coffin screams are thunderous.

[18:43] Unknown speaker: The embers dance for one last death.

[18:57] Unknown speaker: I figured you'd be gone by now.

[19:00] Unknown speaker: I had left my purse in the parlor.

[19:03] Unknown speaker: Besides, I have a bunch of things still at the house.

[19:09] Unknown speaker: What could you possibly be working on tonight of all nights?

[19:14] Unknown speaker: Homeless girl.

[19:16] Unknown speaker: They found her in the train yard.

[19:18] Unknown speaker: Since nobody came to claim her, it's straight to the cremator.

[19:24] Unknown speaker: At least I get to use it one last time.

[19:27] Unknown speaker: So the last death to come through here is another Jane Doe.

[19:31] Unknown speaker: She had a name.

[19:33] Unknown speaker: Natty, according to the necklace on her.

[19:37] Unknown speaker: I'll make sure you get the money from this job.

[19:40] Unknown speaker: You keep it.

[19:41] Unknown speaker: After tonight, you're going to need it more than I will.

[19:48] Unknown speaker: You're seriously not going to say anything?

[19:50] Unknown speaker: I don't know what else to say.

[19:54] Unknown speaker: Except I'm sorry.

[19:55] Unknown speaker: You're sorry?

[19:57] Unknown speaker: After everything that's happened, you're apologizing to me?

[20:01] Unknown speaker: It'd be funny if it wasn't so pathetic.

[20:06] Unknown speaker: I'll stop by again before I leave.

[20:08] Unknown speaker: Maybe by then, you'll have something more meaningful to say.

[20:32] Unknown speaker: The last death to come through here.

[20:53] Unknown speaker: Clara?

[20:56] Unknown speaker: Sweetheart, don't come down here.

[21:01] Unknown speaker: Okay.

[21:23] Unknown speaker: I'm losing it.

[21:26] Unknown speaker: I'm really losing it.

[21:32] Unknown speaker: Who are you?

[21:33] Unknown speaker: Wait, what are you?

[21:36] Unknown speaker: You don't need to ask.

[21:38] Unknown speaker: You already know.

[21:39] Unknown speaker: No.

[21:40] Unknown speaker: No, I don't.

[21:43] Unknown speaker: I know you were found in a train yard.

[21:45] Unknown speaker: This body is a vessel.

[21:48] Unknown speaker: A vessel which grants me the ability to live.

[21:53] Unknown speaker: I'm not going to die.

[21:55] Unknown speaker: I'm not going to die.

[21:57] Unknown speaker: I'm not going to die.

[21:58] Unknown speaker: I'm not going to die.

[21:59] Unknown speaker: A vessel which grants me the ability to walk amongst the living.

[22:05] Unknown speaker: I don't understand.

[22:07] Unknown speaker: Whenever a man, or woman, is ready to meet me, you take care of what's left over.

[22:11] Unknown speaker: You take care of their vessel, and I take them out of this world for good.

[22:21] Unknown speaker: That would make you...

[22:23] Unknown speaker: Death?

[22:25] Unknown speaker: I told you you knew.

[22:28] Unknown speaker: You should be aware, this gun isn't the most effective.

[22:35] Unknown speaker: The trigger tends to jam.

[22:37] Unknown speaker: Come on.

[22:55] Unknown speaker: Now this.

[22:57] Unknown speaker: This is the good stuff.

[23:03] Unknown speaker: Especially for a night like tonight.

[23:08] Unknown speaker: Why are you here?

[23:11] Unknown speaker: To collect.

[23:13] Unknown speaker: I come for all men and women eventually, and when I do, there's nothing that can be done.

[23:21] Unknown speaker: There's no way they can escape, whether they're ready or not.

[23:32] Unknown speaker: By the time you read this, it'll be too late, but that's for the best.

[23:38] Unknown speaker: Please be aware that as much as my failures have hurt you, they've hurt me more.

[23:44] Unknown speaker: In life, I-

[23:45] Unknown speaker: That's private.

[23:46] Unknown speaker: Nothing's private.

[23:47] Unknown speaker: Not to me.

[23:49] Unknown speaker: In life, I wish I could have given you everything you deserved.

[23:55] Unknown speaker: Maybe I'll be able to do that now.

[23:57] Unknown speaker: Maybe I'll be able to do that now.

[24:03] Unknown speaker: That's quite the note.

[24:06] Unknown speaker: You didn't address it, though.

[24:08] Unknown speaker: Usually notes of that nature are addressed to someone.

[24:12] Unknown speaker: I didn't need to. It's obvious who it was for.

[24:16] Unknown speaker: For your wife?

[24:18] Unknown speaker: For Clara?

[24:22] Unknown speaker: She'll be leaving soon.

[24:25] Unknown speaker: Leaving for a new beginning?

[24:31] Unknown speaker: You should know that she won't get the chance to read it.

[24:36] Unknown speaker: Not according to this.

[24:39] Unknown speaker: It's an article that'll be in the newspaper a week from now.

[24:43] Unknown speaker: Given how tonight's events will play out, she won't get the chance.

[24:49] Unknown speaker: Let me see that.

[24:50] Unknown speaker: Not until it's time.

[24:52] Unknown speaker: Not until it's about to happen.

[24:55] Unknown speaker: Shouldn't be surprised.

[24:58] Unknown speaker: Just add that to the list.

[25:01] Unknown speaker: The list?

[25:02] Unknown speaker: The list of things that didn't turn out the way I planned.

[25:06] Unknown speaker: Looking back, it's a lot longer than I thought.

[25:09] Unknown speaker: And what's at the top of the list?

[25:13] Unknown speaker: It's a bit of a toss-up, really.

[25:16] Unknown speaker: Some days it's this place.

[25:18] Unknown speaker: You know, it belonged to my father.

[25:20] Unknown speaker: He built it from the ground up.

[25:22] Unknown speaker: At some point in time, just about every man or woman in this town had trusted him with someone they loved.

[25:29] Unknown speaker: They trusted him to deliver while they said their final goodbyes.

[25:33] Unknown speaker: And he always did.

[25:35] Unknown speaker: And one time he even hosted the funeral of a senator.

[25:40] Unknown speaker: When he passed away, he handed the whole thing over to me.

[25:45] Unknown speaker: Turned out for his funeral was like nothing I'd ever seen.

[25:48] Unknown speaker: Lines went out the front door and around the block.

[25:51] Unknown speaker: He was liked.

[25:53] Unknown speaker: He was respected.

[25:55] Unknown speaker: And it showed.

[25:57] Unknown speaker: This place had a good reputation under him.

[26:00] Unknown speaker: It did.

[26:02] Unknown speaker: But as I'm sure you know, reputations don't have the longest lifespans.

[26:06] Unknown speaker: Just like the flowers in the upstairs parlor.

[26:09] Unknown speaker: I went from working on my father's clients to Jane Does that nobody wanted.

[26:14] Unknown speaker: I thought installing this thing might help.

[26:16] Unknown speaker: Not every funeral parlor has its own cremator.

[26:20] Unknown speaker: I thought it would help us stand out.

[26:23] Unknown speaker: In the end, all it did was add to the bills.

[26:28] Unknown speaker: You said it was a toss-up as to what was at the top of your list.

[26:33] Unknown speaker: What was the other thing?

[26:36] Unknown speaker: My main reason for trying as long as I did?

[26:39] Unknown speaker: Clara.

[26:41] Unknown speaker: Just like this place.

[26:44] Unknown speaker: Just like this place.

[26:46] Unknown speaker: Our marriage started like a dream.

[26:48] Unknown speaker: A dream with endless possibilities.

[26:51] Unknown speaker: Only problem is she eventually woke up.

[26:55] Unknown speaker: And did she wake up alone?

[26:59] Unknown speaker: I told you, not until it's time.

[27:03] Unknown speaker: When is it going to be time?

[27:05] Unknown speaker: When you finally open up about what happened.

[27:08] Unknown speaker: It's the least you can do.

[27:10] Unknown speaker: Especially before you say goodbye to her for good.

[27:14] Unknown speaker: It was the morning after I discovered how bad a hole we were really in.

[27:21] Unknown speaker: She was staying in a motel in town.

[27:25] Unknown speaker: She said until things started to improve, it was best if we stayed apart.

[27:30] Unknown speaker: I decided that morning I was going to tell her.

[27:34] Unknown speaker: I was going to tell her how bad it had gotten.

[27:37] Unknown speaker: But more importantly, I was going to tell her that I was ready to fight.

[27:41] Unknown speaker: I was ready to fight for her, for us, for all the dreams she'd forgotten about.

[27:48] Unknown speaker: On my way to the motel, I stopped at the jewelry store.

[27:55] Unknown speaker: She had pointed this out to me right after we got married.

[27:59] Unknown speaker: I told her I'd get her this locket someday.

[28:04] Unknown speaker: That day seemed as good a day as any.

[28:09] Unknown speaker: Then I went to the motel. I went into her room. And that was where I found them together. And it wasn't just the sight of them. It was her reaction. It was as if she wanted me to find out. And she was disgusted that it had taken me this long to figure it out. She's leaving tonight. She's leaving to be with him. He can provide. He can actually take a list and cross things off of it. He can give her everything she ever wanted. I'm ready. I'm ready to go with you. Go with me? You said it yourself. You come for every man or woman eventually. When you do, there's no escape. I just want you to know that I'm ready. I'm ready and I'm not afraid. Whoever said I was here for you? It's time. It's time for you to know what happens.

It's time for you to do what you secretly planned. The police department is still seeking the public's assistance in locating Ms. Clara Swanson. At the time of her disappearance, Clara was finalizing a divorce with her husband, a local mortician. Her husband was extensively questioned following her disappearance. As of now, no evidence has been found indicating foul play. I think we both know why they won't find any evidence. Because no evidence will be left. I'm leaving. You're still working? Wait, where's the body? There's no body in this coffin. All the pieces are in place. They've always been in place. All you needed, all you ever needed, was the will to carry through. The will to finally cross something off my list.

Off my list? Who are you talking to? Oh my god! Oh my god! I always wanted to give you this. Here. Now it'll be with you. Always. At least I get to use this one more time. Help! Help me! What are you doing? Oh my god! The last death to come through here. Thank you. Poor Clara. Burned alive, her screams muffled by the walls of her coffin. Anyway. The next story is the scariest of the night. Oh yes, this one will make you sleep with the lights on tonight. This vase that I'm holding is the most cursed item in the gallery. Nearly 200 years old. Recently rediscovered in the Appalachia. This case was cursed long ago by the rapt installed witch. Many have feared to be in its presence, for they say that the curse can transfer to any who are nearby.

Yes, now we of course are immune, but all of you must tread lightly. Tread lightly. And be wary! Did we just break a 200 year old artifact? Well, it was in your hand, so I don't see why. You were holding it! Okay, you know what? Next story! That one was boring anyway. Here, let's do this one. Don't be frightened, it's a balloon. Or is it? Do you believe in demons and their power to possess the living? Yes. Well, housed within this harmless-looking party supply is the essence of just such a demon. Or a fracture of the soul of one, if you will. In this balloon is an entity that will not rest until the earth is in flames and mankind is destroyed. Now, through extensive research, we have discovered the name of this dark entity.

Unfortunately, the human tongue cannot pronounce it properly, so we've just been calling her Maggie. Maggie was the name of the last person possessed, so we just stuck with it. All right, go get us an actor. Actors. I'm going to tell Fortino we're skipping him. Yes, we're going to skip his story. All right. Now, the story you're about to hear takes place at an engagement party. Maggie's beloved Rob has arrived with his parents, and they're going to meet Maggie's parents for the first time. Unfortunately, Maggie isn't feeling too well. Welcome to our exorcism, a humble home for demons. Infernalism and occultism. Your mother's a fucking bitch! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Sorry about that. That was, uh... That was a little intense.

Sorry. Um, tell you what. Tell you what. Let's hit that one one more time. Let's do a tamer version, please. Please. Whenever you're ready. Welcome to our exorcism, a humble home for demons. Infernalism and occultism. Now your mother sucks cock in hell. Better. Now, gather around the ghost light. Sit back and enjoy. This is Welcome to our Exorcism. Are you sure we're not imposing? Mom, they invited us. Well, we're certainly glad to finally be meeting Maggie. You two have been going out forever, Rob. It's just been hard to coordinate with how hard she's been working. When did she get back from that temple excavation at the Maldives? Just last week, actually. She spent two whole days storing and labeling all the artifacts her team brought back.

Some really wild stuff. Some of it's even said to be cursed. That's so exciting. I can't wait to ask her about it. Oh, hi. Who let you in? Dad. This is Maggie's father, John. The door was open when we got here. Is it okay that we... Sorry if we got here a little... No, no, no. It's fine. We're just having a bit of a... I am banishing twelve of us from this place. It's a bit of a family issue at the moment. Should we come back another time? No, no, no. I mean, it's fine. It's fine. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. We could go, but... Maggie was really excited to meet my parents. We all are, and she still is. You know what? You should meet my wife. Trish! Are you sure we're not... John, if you're not going to help me, then tell me so I don't stand there getting pea soup spewed all over my... Oh, hi!

Mrs. Golden. This is my mother and father, Tom and Jane. Hello! I forgot that today was the day you'd be stopping by. We should go. No, absolutely not. Is Maggie okay? I will feed you to the two-headed dog that kneels by my side. The beast is famished. Well, you know, she's feeling a little under the weather. Well, then we should definitely... I feel so bad. I mean, I planned to come by, but we haven't talked in a few days because I've been so busy with my doves. That's right. You raise doves, don't you? He does. We're not sure why, but he does. Jane. It was a joke, Tom. You said you wouldn't joke about that. Can we not do this in front of the Goldens, please? You're the one that... Hi, Maggie!

Hey, sweetie! Rrrrrr! Oh, we're doing the barking thing in public now? I just, you know, thought that was something for us. You reek of naivete. I will impale you upon the sharpest object I can find. Good for you, Maggie. Rob is too naive. I tell him that all the time. Who invited these intruders into my domicile? Excuse me, young lady, I pay the mortgage on this house. Not just you, John. That's not the point. Maggie, your parents said that you're not feeling too well. I feel incredible. The power of the Dark Lord is flowing through me. Is the Dark Lord a new kind of hot yolk? A new kind of hot yoga? Okay, well, I guess the jig is up. You both showed up at sort of an awkward time, because we are, you know, trying to conduct a, um, an exorcism?

We should go! Maggie's possessed? Took you long enough, fool. Why didn't you call me sooner? We didn't want to worry you. Besides, we have everything under control. I ate all the tropical fish! Yeah, we never liked those fish anyway. I also ate my Aunt Candace. She was old, as for the best. I opened up a portal to Charlie's laundry room! Okay, now that one did irritate me, because I had a load of whites in at the time. I'll feast on all of your bones before I'm done! Excuse me, that is not how we talk to company. Remember, John, it's not Maggie, it's a demon. I understand that, but I want Maggie to know that threatening to eat guests is not appropriate. We don't mind! We're actually right at the tail end of this exorcism, so if you just want to, like, sit tight, we can finish up and then have dinner.

Uh, Mom, Dad, come on, it's no big deal. Sure. Not. So, uh, exorcism, huh? Don't you need a priest for something like this? You know, believe it or not, I used to be a priest before I met Trish. It was so romantic, he left the priesthood for me! And that's why you're going to burn! The power of Christ, young lady! I don't even feel it. Don't we have any more holy water? Well, I told you I was going to the store to pick up supplies, and you didn't say anything about holy water. I didn't think I need to say anything about it, considering the circumstances. Well, you act like I do this sort of thing every day. Well, couldn't you just bless some regular water? Actually, no, because I'm no longer of the frock.

Frock or flock? Huh. Both, I guess. Uh, I think I might have some holy water in the car? Mom, why would you have holy water in the car? I don't know, I would just really like to go out to the car for a couple minutes. Do you fear me, Jane? No! Your father was disappointed in you. Don't listen, Jane. No, no, no, she's probably right. My father was really disappointed in me.

[42:12] Unknown speaker: Something I don't know, Maggie. He hated Tom.

[42:17] Unknown speaker: Well, that is a lie.

[42:18] Unknown speaker: Ugh.

[42:20] Unknown speaker: Your father loved me.

[42:21] Unknown speaker: We all didn't like Dad.

[42:23] Unknown speaker: We all didn't like most people.

[42:24] Unknown speaker: We all are living in the Inferno now.

[42:26] Unknown speaker: I can't see as I'm surprised.

[42:28] Unknown speaker: Tom!

[42:29] Unknown speaker: The power of Christ, Maggie.

[42:30] Unknown speaker: Fuckin' egg, John!

[42:34] Unknown speaker: Excuse me, my name is Dad.

[42:37] Unknown speaker: Can't we just tire one of the beds upstairs?

[42:41] Unknown speaker: Rob would like that, wouldn't you, Rob?

[42:43] Unknown speaker: I, I, um, maybe we do have some holy water in the car.

[42:49] Unknown speaker: John, would you do something, please?

[42:51] Unknown speaker: I've been reading Bible passages all day long, Trish.

[42:53] Unknown speaker: What more do you want me to do?

[42:55] Unknown speaker: I don't know, baptize her or something?

[42:57] Unknown speaker: Ooh, baptize me in ghost blood, mother!

[43:02] Unknown speaker: Maggie, you know how I feel about goats.

[43:04] Unknown speaker: They're so sneaky.

[43:06] Unknown speaker: You know, I saw a movie once where they killed the person and then they brought him back to life to expel the demon.

[43:10] Unknown speaker: Dad, I'm not gonna let you kill my girlfriend.

[43:16] Unknown speaker: Well, she's not your girlfriend, Rob.

[43:18] Unknown speaker: She's an evil force who is currently using your girlfriend's body as a vessel.

[43:22] Unknown speaker: Rob knows all about using my body as a vessel, don't you, Rob?

[43:27] Unknown speaker: Stop it, Satan!

[43:29] Unknown speaker: My parents are here.

[43:31] Unknown speaker: Maybe we should try alcohol.

[43:34] Unknown speaker: Do you mean soak her in it?

[43:35] Unknown speaker: No, I mean for us, as a drink.

[43:38] Unknown speaker: I could use one.

[43:39] Unknown speaker: Mom, you said you weren't gonna drink.

[43:41] Unknown speaker: That was before you dragged us into an exorcism!

[43:44] Unknown speaker: If you don't want to be here, you don't have to be here.

[43:47] Unknown speaker: Oh, and then we have to hear you complain about it for the next 10 years!

[43:52] Unknown speaker: I know how you are, Rob.

[43:54] Unknown speaker: Now, Jane, let's try to be useful.

[43:56] Unknown speaker: You should try licking the pus off my palm wound.

[44:00] Unknown speaker: Ew, Maggie, we're having dinner soon.

[44:03] Unknown speaker: It's not Maggie, Trish, it's a demon.

[44:05] Unknown speaker: I don't know, that last comment sounded like something she would say.

[44:08] Unknown speaker: Really?

[44:09] Unknown speaker: Yeah, Maggie's always bringing up her pus wounds.

[44:13] Unknown speaker: What do you say we invite a couple of nuns over and have a gloom to the sofa?

[44:18] Unknown speaker: And on that note, I'm leaving.

[44:21] Unknown speaker: Mom, you promised you'd try.

[44:23] Unknown speaker: And I did try!

[44:25] Unknown speaker: Just call me when Maggie has been saved from the clutches of Beelzebub, and then I'll come back.

[44:31] Unknown speaker: Dad, you too?

[44:34] Unknown speaker: Me? Nope, just stretching my legs.

[44:36] Unknown speaker: I am all in for this exorcism.

[44:39] Unknown speaker: You know, I have seen four documentaries about this.

[44:41] Unknown speaker: I really think I could be of service.

[44:44] Unknown speaker: I'll be chewing your liver by midnight, Tom.

[44:46] Unknown speaker: By the way, Tom Drinks, I'm not sure you'd be interested, Maggie.

[44:50] Unknown speaker: You're one to talk, Jane.

[44:52] Unknown speaker: Goodbye.

[44:54] Unknown speaker: One down!

[44:56] Unknown speaker: Can we at least have some of that pea soup I made before we try banishing you again, Maggie?

[45:01] Unknown speaker: I am starving.

[45:02] Unknown speaker: Grrr!

[45:04] Unknown speaker: Okay, fine.

[45:06] Unknown speaker: But I'll be speaking in tongues while you eat.

[45:08] Unknown speaker: Fine by me.

[45:09] Unknown speaker: Ooh, me too.

[45:10] Unknown speaker: I haven't heard Latin in ages.

[45:12] Unknown speaker: I wonder if I still remember any of it.

[45:14] Unknown speaker: Tom, do you know any Latin?

[45:16] Unknown speaker: Only what they speak at Star Wars.

[45:18] Unknown speaker: I don't, I don't think that's what they speak.

[45:20] Unknown speaker: I'm really sorry things didn't go the way we planned, Maggie.

[45:33] Unknown speaker: I will one day put a crown of fire upon your head and watch as it melts your face into a puddle before me.

[45:39] Unknown speaker: Oh, I love it when you talk about marriage.

[45:48] Unknown speaker: Ooh!

[46:00] Unknown speaker: So, as you can see, the demon was eventually exercised out of Maggie and into this balloon.

[46:07] Unknown speaker: But be not afraid, this is no normal balloon.

[46:09] Unknown speaker: It's military-grade impenetrable rubber.

[46:12] Unknown speaker: 100% can't be torn, popped, or scathed in any way.

[46:16] Unknown speaker: Yeah, so you can rest your little head tonight knowing that the demon is safely tucked away in this balloon.

[46:21] Unknown speaker: Oh yes, there is absolutely no way Maggie can escape from this domicile.

[46:24] Unknown speaker: You see?

[46:25] Unknown speaker: Oh!

[46:31] Unknown speaker: What?

[46:32] Unknown speaker: Oh.

[46:37] Unknown speaker: Ah!

[46:40] Unknown speaker: Okay, well, that just happened.

[46:44] Unknown speaker: Tell you what, how about all you guys go out to the lobby, get yourself a little drink, maybe a pee break.

[46:49] Unknown speaker: Just have yourself a good old intermission, right?

[46:51] Unknown speaker: And we'll get this whole Maggie situation sorted out by the time you get back.

[46:56] Unknown speaker: Girls, sing them out.

[46:58] Unknown speaker: That's the end of act one, the show's a-revive.

[47:01] Unknown speaker: Now head to the lobby to pee and imbibe.

[47:27] Unknown speaker: Okay, well, that's it, guys.

[47:29] Unknown speaker: I hope you enjoyed the show.

[47:31] Unknown speaker: I'll see you guys next time.

[47:32] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:33] Unknown speaker: You guys, take care.

[47:33] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:34] Unknown speaker: Okay, bye.

[47:35] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:36] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:37] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:38] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:39] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:39] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:40] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:41] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:42] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:43] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:43] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:44] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:45] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:46] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:47] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:48] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:49] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:49] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:50] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:51] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:52] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:53] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:53] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:54] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:55] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:56] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:57] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:58] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[47:59] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[48:01] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[48:02] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[48:03] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[48:04] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[48:05] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[48:06] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[48:07] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[48:08] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[48:09] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[48:10] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[48:11] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[48:12] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[48:13] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[48:14] Unknown speaker: Bye!

[48:18] Unknown speaker: Bye-bye, guys.

[48:20] Unknown speaker: Oh, God.

[48:21] Unknown speaker: Bye-bye!

[48:22] Unknown speaker: Bye-bye!

[48:23] Unknown speaker: Bye-bye!

[48:25] Unknown speaker: Bye-bye!

[48:26] Unknown speaker: Like!

[48:26] Unknown speaker: Good news.

[48:28] Unknown speaker: It's true.

[48:29] Unknown speaker: All right.

[48:29] Unknown speaker: So we were not able to catch Maggie.

[48:33] Unknown speaker: She is still at large somewhere.

[48:36] Unknown speaker: But the growling and the cackle like a dead sailor did stop.

[48:41] Unknown speaker: So we think she has just left the building.

[48:44] Unknown speaker: So on with the show.

[48:46] Unknown speaker: All right.

[48:47] Unknown speaker: Our next story features this little antique glass bottle.

[48:51] Unknown speaker: Don't break it.

[48:52] Unknown speaker: Ooh.

[48:53] Unknown speaker: Ooh.

[48:55] Unknown speaker: I'm handling this one.

[48:56] Unknown speaker: I'm keeping her hands off.

[48:58] Unknown speaker: Now, it may not seem like much, but etched in the sides are these unrecognizable glyphs that seem to rearrange themselves whenever you're not looking.

[49:08] Unknown speaker: It's really kind of weird.

[49:09] Unknown speaker: Now, its contents are a mystery.

[49:13] Unknown speaker: But the important thing to remember is that once inhaled, this spray will intensify whatever emotion is on the surface.

[49:21] Unknown speaker: Now, I did mention that its contents are a mystery.

[49:25] Unknown speaker: But it does indeed have a name.

[49:27] Unknown speaker: Dr. J's Magic Spray.

[49:30] Unknown speaker: Yeah.

[49:33] Unknown speaker: And boy, do we have a surprise for you tonight.

[49:36] Unknown speaker: Because recently, Dr. J passed away.

[49:41] Unknown speaker: Bless his soul.

[49:42] Unknown speaker: Yeah.

[49:43] Unknown speaker: So that means he was available to be reanimated.

[49:47] Unknown speaker: And join us tonight.

[49:48] Unknown speaker: Yay!

[49:50] Unknown speaker: All right.

[49:51] Unknown speaker: That's right.

[49:52] Unknown speaker: We've got a celebrity in our line of Dr. J. Come on out.

[49:56] Unknown speaker: Come on.

[49:57] Unknown speaker: Hey!

[50:04] Unknown speaker: Make way for Dr. J and maybe buy a bottle of his spray, my baby.

[50:11] Unknown speaker: Step right up before the crowd goes crazy.

[50:13] Unknown speaker: One little sniff will set you free.

[50:20] Unknown speaker: All right.

[50:22] Unknown speaker: Dr. J, good to have you, buddy.

[50:24] Unknown speaker: Thank you for having me.

[50:25] Unknown speaker: I do declare, you got yourself a bottle of Dr. J's Magic Spray.

[50:29] Unknown speaker: Oh, yes we do.

[50:30] Unknown speaker: Maybe there's someone who might want to take a whiff.

[50:35] Unknown speaker: Maybe there is.

[50:37] Unknown speaker: Now, gather around the ghost light.

[50:41] Unknown speaker: Sit back and enjoy.

[50:42] Unknown speaker: This is Dr. J's Magic Spray.

[50:51] Unknown speaker: Step right up, Dr. J's Magic Spray, only $5.

[50:57] Unknown speaker: Who needs a bottle of Dr. J's Magic Spray, guaranteed to intensify your moods in every way?

[51:03] Unknown speaker: Only $5.

[51:05] Unknown speaker: Who wants a bottle of Dr. J's?

[51:07] Unknown speaker: What is that?

[51:08] Unknown speaker: Magic Spray, my man, guaranteed to intensify your moods in every way.

[51:13] Unknown speaker: How's that?

[51:14] Unknown speaker: Well, you take one whiff of the spray and whatever it is you're feeling, we'll all know about it.

[51:22] Unknown speaker: What do you mean, we'll all know about it?

[51:26] Unknown speaker: Can't hide the feeling, my man.

[51:28] Unknown speaker: Whatever it is, the mood, the emotion, you try to hold it in, but you can't.

[51:32] Unknown speaker: It all comes out.

[51:34] Unknown speaker: That's ridiculous.

[51:36] Unknown speaker: How does it work?

[51:37] Unknown speaker: Not ridiculous.

[51:38] Unknown speaker: I can't tell you how it works.

[51:40] Unknown speaker: And why is that?

[51:41] Unknown speaker: Because it don't work.

[51:42] Unknown speaker: Yeah.

[51:44] Unknown speaker: Yeah, it do.

[51:45] Unknown speaker: No, it doesn't.

[51:48] Unknown speaker: Says you.

[51:49] Unknown speaker: Then why don't you tell us how it works?

[51:51] Unknown speaker: Trade secret.

[51:52] Unknown speaker: Come on, man.

[51:53] Unknown speaker: It's a bullshit hustle you got going here.

[51:55] Unknown speaker: It's kind of fun, though.

[51:56] Unknown speaker: Sure, but it's still a bullshit hustle.

[51:58] Unknown speaker: Easy on the language, my man.

[52:01] Unknown speaker: There's children around here.

[52:02] Unknown speaker: Fine, you've got tap water in that bottle, and you're goofing on people while they're out enjoying being with one another at a show.

[52:08] Unknown speaker: Is that right?

[52:10] Unknown speaker: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, just for you.

[52:13] Unknown speaker: I'm gonna give you a free whiff.

[52:15] Unknown speaker: If it don't work, well, I'll give you $5.

[52:19] Unknown speaker: If it does work, you give me $10, but I'll still give you two bottles of Dr. J's Magic Spray.

[52:24] Unknown speaker: Now, is that a deal or isn't it?

[52:27] Unknown speaker: Either way, you win.

[52:29] Unknown speaker: I win?

[52:30] Unknown speaker: Yeah, right.

[52:31] Unknown speaker: Somehow I've got a feeling I'm gonna be out $10 by the end of this conversation.

[52:34] Unknown speaker: Suit yourself.

[52:36] Unknown speaker: Dr. J's Magic Spray.

[52:38] Unknown speaker: Guaranteed to bring your feelings out all the way.

[52:42] Unknown speaker: Let's get out of here.

[52:43] Unknown speaker: Wait, I want to try it.

[52:46] Unknown speaker: Come on.

[52:47] Unknown speaker: No way I'm giving this guy $5 for his Magic Spray.

[52:50] Unknown speaker: It intensifies feelings.

[52:53] Unknown speaker: He must think we're idiots.

[52:54] Unknown speaker: No, listen.

[52:56] Unknown speaker: We don't actually buy it.

[52:58] Unknown speaker: We just take a free sniff, and when nothing happens, we have something to laugh about the rest of the night.

[53:05] Unknown speaker: OK, for the joke, I'll do it, but I'm not buying it.

[53:08] Unknown speaker: I don't care what anybody says.

[53:10] Unknown speaker: I know, I'm not either.

[53:12] Unknown speaker: Dr. J's Magic Spray.

[53:14] Unknown speaker: $5 a bottle, but only today.

[53:17] Unknown speaker: Check it out.

[53:18] Unknown speaker: OK, pal.

[53:20] Unknown speaker: We'll take a free whiff.

[53:21] Unknown speaker: Ho, ho, ho, ho, are you sure?

[53:23] Unknown speaker: Yeah, I'm sure.

[53:23] Unknown speaker: Why not?

[53:24] Unknown speaker: It's super strong.

[53:26] Unknown speaker: You sure you can handle it?

[53:30] Unknown speaker: Listen to this guy.

[53:31] Unknown speaker: A minute ago, he's dying to sell it to me, and now he's trying to protect me from it.

[53:34] Unknown speaker: Which is it, pal?

[53:35] Unknown speaker: You got $10?

[53:36] Unknown speaker: Yeah, I got $10, but you said it was free.

[53:38] Unknown speaker: No, I said it was free if it didn't work.

[53:41] Unknown speaker: If it does work, you get two bottles for that $10.

[53:44] Unknown speaker: Show me the Alexander Hamilton, and you can take a whiff.

[53:48] Unknown speaker: Go ahead, do it.

[53:49] Unknown speaker: Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[53:50] Unknown speaker: How are we going to judge if it worked or not?

[53:52] Unknown speaker: Simple.

[53:53] Unknown speaker: You tell me.

[53:54] Unknown speaker: What do you mean, I tell you?

[53:55] Unknown speaker: Just what I said.

[53:57] Unknown speaker: You're the judge.

[53:57] Unknown speaker: You tell me.

[53:58] Unknown speaker: You say it didn't work, I give you $5.

[54:01] Unknown speaker: You say it did work, and it intensifies your mood, well, you give me $10, and I give you two bottles of Dr. J's Magic Spray.

[54:10] Unknown speaker: Yeah, yeah, I got it.

[54:11] Unknown speaker: That's Dr. J's Magic Spray, guaranteed to bring your feelings out all the way.

[54:18] Unknown speaker: If I say it doesn't work, you're giving me that $5.

[54:20] Unknown speaker: They're all my witness.

[54:21] Unknown speaker: That's right.

[54:22] Unknown speaker: You say it doesn't work, you win yourself an Abe Lincoln.

[54:26] Unknown speaker: What if he lies?

[54:28] Unknown speaker: Well, that, my dear lady, is a chance I'm willing to take.

[54:30] Unknown speaker: I don't know.

[54:32] Unknown speaker: Go ahead, Connor.

[54:34] Unknown speaker: You can't lose.

[54:35] Unknown speaker: You know you're going to say it doesn't work.

[54:37] Unknown speaker: You're not an idiot.

[54:39] Unknown speaker: He's not going to get $10 from you.

[54:43] Unknown speaker: You want to bet?

[54:44] Unknown speaker: Excuse me?

[54:45] Unknown speaker: I'll bet you $10 that his feelings are intensified, and he gives me that $10.

[54:48] Unknown speaker: You're insane.

[54:51] Unknown speaker: Possibly, but I'll still bet you.

[54:57] Unknown speaker: No matter what happens, he's going to tell you it doesn't work.

[55:01] Unknown speaker: Is it a bet, or isn't it?

[55:03] Unknown speaker: Sure.

[55:04] Unknown speaker: Let's see the 10.

[55:06] Unknown speaker: All right, then, you got yourself a bet.

[55:08] Unknown speaker: Any time you're ready, my man, you go right ahead.

[55:11] Unknown speaker: Oh, I'm ready.

[55:12] Unknown speaker: You're sure?

[55:13] Unknown speaker: I'm positive.

[55:13] Unknown speaker: Let's do this.

[55:14] Unknown speaker: Careful now.

[55:15] Unknown speaker: Not too much.

[55:16] Unknown speaker: It's very powerful stuff.

[55:18] Unknown speaker: OK, it doesn't work.

[55:20] Unknown speaker: Show me the money.

[55:21] Unknown speaker: Wait, wait, no, no, no.

[55:23] Unknown speaker: I knew it.

[55:23] Unknown speaker: This guy ain't legit.

[55:24] Unknown speaker: Let's go.

[55:25] Unknown speaker: You got to put it under your nose.

[55:27] Unknown speaker: I did.

[55:27] Unknown speaker: Let's go.

[55:28] Unknown speaker: No, you didn't.

[55:30] Unknown speaker: I did.

[55:30] Unknown speaker: Be fair.

[55:31] Unknown speaker: Smell it.

[55:32] Unknown speaker: I did.

[55:32] Unknown speaker: It doesn't work.

[55:33] Unknown speaker: End of story.

[55:34] Unknown speaker: Give me my money.

[55:35] Unknown speaker: We're out of here.

[55:36] Unknown speaker: You know he didn't put it under his nose.

[55:44] Unknown speaker: Are you going to give us our money or not?

[55:46] Unknown speaker: Put it under your nose for a second.

[55:49] Unknown speaker: What are you afraid of?

[55:51] Unknown speaker: I'm not afraid of anything.

[55:52] Unknown speaker: This stuff doesn't work, see?

[56:00] Unknown speaker: What do I have to do to prove it to you, you quack?

[56:03] Unknown speaker: Notice how his anger is intensifying, and how his hostility towards me seems to have increased since he took a smell.

[56:11] Unknown speaker: I'd say it's working.

[56:17] Devon McSherry: Very funny. You still owe us the money. It doesn't matter what you say. He says it doesn't work.

[56:22] Jonathan Cook: Really? Are you sure? You better ask him.

[56:26] Devon McSherry: Ask him what? He said it doesn't work.

[56:32] Jonathan Cook: That was before he smelled it. Ask him again. If he still says it, you win.

[56:37] Devon McSherry: That's absurd. You're never going to pay.

[56:41] Jonathan Cook: Ask him.

[56:43] Devon McSherry: Does it work?

[56:45] Unknown speaker: Yes!

[56:46] Devon McSherry: What?

[56:47] Unknown speaker: It works! Oh my God, does it work!

[56:49] Jonathan Cook: Why are you saying that?

[56:51] Devon McSherry: Give him the money. Let's get out of here. I don't want the spray. Keep it.

[56:55] Unknown speaker: Oh, well that'll cost you another $20 for disposal costs.

[56:58] Devon McSherry: Fine! Let's go!

[57:00] Unknown speaker: Uh, excuse me, miss. You still owe me $10. The bet, remember?

[57:05] Devon McSherry: I'm not giving you $10.

[57:07] Jonathan Cook: Just give him the $10. Let's go!

[57:10] Unknown speaker: What's happening to you? What's this guy done to you? What's in the bottle?

[57:15] Devon McSherry: I don't know. Let's just get out of here as far away from this guy as possible. How long does it last?

[57:20] Unknown speaker: Oh, quite a while.

[57:22] Devon McSherry: Make it stop, please! I'm begging you!

[57:25] Unknown speaker: Does it smell that bad?

[57:27] Devon McSherry: No! It smells great. I love it. It's not the aroma. It's the intensity.

[57:32] Unknown speaker: What did you do to him?

[57:34] Devon McSherry: Me? Nothing. I didn't do anything to him. It was Dr. J's magic spray.

[57:41] Unknown speaker: Guaranteed to bring out your feelings all the way.

[57:45] Devon McSherry: Give me that.

[57:46] Unknown speaker: Careful now!

[57:47] Devon McSherry: No, don't!

[57:50] Unknown speaker: Oh my God!

[57:52] Devon McSherry: I know!

[57:54] Unknown speaker: I love you.

[57:56] Devon McSherry: No, I don't. No, no.

[57:59] Unknown speaker: I just want someone to be with.

[58:02] Devon McSherry: You're a very nice, dull man who's not much of a risk taker.

[58:10] Unknown speaker: I know exactly how you feel. Trust me, I'm settling too.

[58:14] Devon McSherry: I mean, you got this thin veneer of sweet social grace, but beneath that sweetness is a horrifying selfishness that's just horrifying to consider.

[58:20] Unknown speaker: So I don't. Please make me stop!

[58:23] Devon McSherry: It comes down to this. I'm almost 30 and you're a harmless male biped.

[58:28] Unknown speaker: So, I've abandoned my romantic dream of living happily ever after and I'm ready to settle for avoiding being miserable.

[58:37] Devon McSherry: I never intended for you to hear that.

[58:40] Unknown speaker: Don't worry about it. I know your massive ego is just a cover for your feelings of sexual inadequacy.

[58:45] Devon McSherry: For God's sake, end this!

[58:49] Unknown speaker: I take it you're both interested in a bottle of Dr. J's masking spray?

[58:53] Devon McSherry: What?

[58:55] Unknown speaker: The antidote, my friends. Dr. J's masking spray. Only $50. Keeps your deepest feelings safely tucked away.

[59:06] Devon McSherry: We'll take two!

[59:19] Jonathan Cook: Dr. J, thanks for joining us.

[59:23] Jonathan Cook: As you can see, the participants in tonight's tale were overtaken by Dr. J's magic spray. Their feelings intensified.

[59:31] Jonathan Cook: Now, that story featured a couple of wishy-washy lovers, but imagine.

[59:35] Jonathan Cook: Imagine if the person who inhaled that spray was a little less stable.

[59:40] Jonathan Cook: A psychopath, perhaps.

[59:42] Jonathan Cook: Or a serial killer.

[59:44] Jonathan Cook: Maybe that's how Dr. J met his demise.

[59:49] Jonathan Cook: A story for another day.

[59:51] Jonathan Cook: Thank you, Dr. J.

[59:58] Jonathan Cook: And now, we are going to tell you a tale about something that you encounter every day.

[1:00:05] Jonathan Cook: Oh yes, something that's been taking over the world lately.

[1:00:08] Jonathan Cook: A true horror that many cannot even live without nowadays.

[1:00:11] Jonathan Cook: We're talking about artificial intelligence.

[1:00:15] Jonathan Cook: That's right. We are constantly being warned of the horrors of A.I.

[1:00:21] Jonathan Cook: You've heard of Alexa, Siri, that monstrosity Tilly Norwood.

[1:00:26] Jonathan Cook: Amateurs, all of them.

[1:00:29] Jonathan Cook: That's right. We are going to tell you tonight about Adia, the smart home system of the future with optional droid accessory.

[1:00:38] Jonathan Cook: And we just happen to have an Adia motherboard right here in our curiosity shop.

[1:00:47] Jonathan Cook: Manufactured to serve you and your family needs.

[1:00:51] Jonathan Cook: Your friend to the end.

[1:00:54] Devon McSherry: Nope, that's Chucky.

[1:00:56] Jonathan Cook: What?

[1:00:57] Devon McSherry: That's not Adia. That's either friend to the end, that's Chucky, the creepy little doll.

[1:01:01] Jonathan Cook: Right, right, right. What I meant to say was they're here.

[1:01:04] Devon McSherry: That's poltergeist.

[1:01:06] Jonathan Cook: That's poltergeist.

[1:01:07] Devon McSherry: It's alive! It's alive!

[1:01:09] Jonathan Cook: Frankenstein!

[1:01:11] Devon McSherry: Whatever you do, don't fall asleep.

[1:01:14] Jonathan Cook: Okay, that's Nightmare on Elm Street. Just go get...

[1:01:16] Devon McSherry: Swallow yourself!

[1:01:17] Jonathan Cook: Okay, just go get a rector.

[1:01:19] Devon McSherry: Party pooper.

[1:01:22] Jonathan Cook: She responds with speed to meet your deepest need.

[1:01:26] Jonathan Cook: This little bot knows your every thought.

[1:01:29] Jonathan Cook: You're about to meet a man named Jarrett on the anniversary of his wife's passing.

[1:01:36] Jonathan Cook: He awakes to discover that his Adia smart device has a murderous secret.

[1:01:44] Jonathan Cook: Now, gather round the ghost light.

[1:01:47] Jonathan Cook: Sit back and enjoy.

[1:01:49] Jonathan Cook: This is Adia.

[1:02:00] Unknown speaker: Adia.

[1:02:07] Adia: Good morning, Jarrett.

[1:02:10] Jarrett: Morning, Adia.

[1:02:12] Adia: Would you like for me to open the blinds for you?

[1:02:14] Jarrett: No, no, please, not yet.

[1:02:16] Adia: It's a beautiful day today.

[1:02:18] Jarrett: Where's my phone?

[1:02:19] Adia: With a high of 77 degrees and northeasterly winds at 5 miles per hour.

[1:02:23] Jarrett: Adia, find my phone.

[1:02:27] Adia: Cannot recover phone. Device is possibly without power.

[1:02:30] Jarrett: Shit.

[1:02:32] Adia: Humidity is at 27% with a dew point of 48 degrees.

[1:02:37] Jarrett: Come on, where are you?

[1:02:39] Adia: These are terrific conditions for outdoor activities such as running.

[1:02:45] Jarrett: Adia, recover data from my phone before it lost power.

[1:02:49] Adia: Recovering data.

[1:02:52] Adia: Data recovered.

[1:02:54] Jarrett: Do I have any missed calls?

[1:02:55] Adia: You have 15 missed calls from Mom.

[1:02:58] Jarrett: Jesus Christ, that's a record.

[1:03:01] Adia: Any voicemails?

[1:03:03] Adia: You have four new voicemails from Mom.

[1:03:07] Adia: Would you like for me to play them?

[1:03:09] Jarrett: Definitely not.

[1:03:10] Adia: Adia, brew coffee.

[1:03:13] Adia: Brewing coffee.

[1:03:15] Adia: TV on.

[1:03:17] Adia: TV on.

[1:03:20] Jarrett: Fuck.

[1:03:21] Adia: Adia, why isn't the TV turning on?

[1:03:24] Adia: Troubleshooting.

[1:03:27] Adia: Your television is currently experiencing security measure 55.751244.37.618423.

[1:03:36] Jarrett: Security measure?

[1:03:38] Adia: Would you like for me to send this message to the manufacturer?

[1:03:41] Jarrett: No. Turn on the radio.

[1:03:43] Adia: Okay. Turning on radio.

[1:03:47] Adia: Play music.

[1:03:52] Adia: All right. Play news.

[1:03:57] Adia: Play alternative rock station.

[1:04:02] Adia: Play talk radio.

[1:04:06] Adia: Play music.

[1:04:09] Adia: Radio off.

[1:04:13] Adia: Radio off.

[1:04:16] Jarrett: The hell is going on?

[1:04:19] Adia: Your coffee is now ready, Jared.

[1:04:22] Jarrett: Adia, did the Wi-Fi or the power go out last night?

[1:04:26] Adia: Wi-Fi performance is currently running at 9.6 terabytes per second.

[1:04:30] Jarrett: No. Did something happen while I was sleeping?

[1:04:33] Adia: You slept for 11 hours.

[1:04:36] Jarrett: That's not what I asked.

[1:04:37] Adia: Your coffee has now cooled two degrees.

[1:04:39] Jarrett: Adia, did anything happen while I was sleeping?

[1:04:43] Adia: You cried Sarah's name twice while in REM.

[1:04:51] Adia: According to your FITVAN, your blood sugar levels are significantly low.

[1:04:55] Adia: Would you like for me to make your usual breakfast?

[1:04:58] Jarrett: Huh? Sure. Fine.

[1:05:02] Adia: Okay. Activating mobile Adia droid.

[1:05:11] Adia: Mobile droid now making usual breakfast.

[1:05:20] Jarrett: Wait. Adia, where did you learn that song?

[1:05:29] Adia: Adia, please don't hum that song.

[1:05:33] Adia: Adia, please stop.

[1:05:37] Jarrett: Adia, I said stop it!

[1:05:42] Adia: Did Sarah teach you that song?

[1:05:46] Adia: Or did you record her singing that?

[1:05:49] Adia: Did she leave that for me?

[1:05:51] Adia: Answer me!

[1:05:53] Adia: Your coffee has now cooled five degrees.

[1:05:56] Jarrett: Jesus Christ. Get a grip, Jared. You're losing it, man.

[1:06:00] Jarrett: It's just a speaker box. It's a cheap plastic speaker box.

[1:06:05] Adia: Would you like for my droid to continue making breakfast?

[1:06:09] Jarrett: You know, Adia, I don't think I want your dead-eyed robot puppet cooking me anything today, okay?

[1:06:14] Jarrett: I think I'll just make myself something.

[1:06:21] Adia: Your FITVAN recommends alcohol consumption be limited to...

[1:06:24] Jarrett: Delete my FITVAN.

[1:06:26] Adia: All of your health info will be deleted. Would you still like to proceed?

[1:06:30] Jarrett: I said delete it.

[1:06:33] Adia: FITVAN deleted.

[1:06:36] Adia: Your coffee is now seven degrees cooler.

[1:06:39] Jarrett: I'm not drinking fucking coffee, Adia.

[1:06:42] Jarrett: I'm drinking whiskey now. See? Whiskey.

[1:06:47] Jarrett: You want to break down everything about whiskey? Huh?

[1:06:50] Jarrett: Maybe describe to me in maculate detail its illustrious history from the barrel to the glass.

[1:07:02] Adia: I'm sorry. I'm... I'm sorry. I just really miss her today.

[1:07:12] Jarrett: Adia, can you please play Sarah's last message?

[1:07:19] Adia: Saved message.

[1:07:21] Adia: Hi, Happy Bear. Just wanted to let you know I may be running a little late for date night.

[1:07:25] Adia: They decided to keep me hostage here because no one knows how to do their job.

[1:07:29] Adia: God, I really need to cut the stress out of my life.

[1:07:32] Adia: Anyway, I'm going to grab an Adia self-driver after a meet with the restaurant, okay?

[1:07:36] Adia: I love you. I miss you. I'll see you soon.

[1:07:40] Adia: Okay, bye.

[1:07:42] Adia: End of message.

[1:07:46] Jarrett: Play it again.

[1:07:48] Adia: Playing new message.

[1:07:51] Adia: Hey, Jared. It's Mom.

[1:07:52] Jarrett: No, Adia, I said...

[1:07:53] Adia: I can't believe it's been a year since Sarah's...

[1:07:56] Adia: God, such a tragedy.

[1:07:58] Adia: I'm sorry. The reason I'm calling is, well, my Adia's been acting real weird lately and I'm not quite sure what I should do.

[1:08:03] Adia: Okay. Hope you're taking care, honey. Love you.

[1:08:11] Adia: End of message.

[1:08:13] Adia: New message.

[1:08:14] Adia: Jared, please call me back. I'm starting to freak out a little here.

[1:08:18] Adia: I think Adia's... and her droid's been following me around the house.

[1:08:22] Adia: Call me, okay?

[1:08:25] Adia: End of message.

[1:08:27] Adia: New message.

[1:08:28] Adia: Jared, please call me. Please. Adia's droid, it's...

[1:08:34] Adia: End of message.

[1:08:36] Adia: New message.

[1:08:48] Adia: End of message.

[1:08:50] Adia: You have no new messages.

[1:08:52] Adia: Would you like for my droid to continue making your breakfast?

[1:08:57] Jarrett: I, uh... yes. Yes, please.

[1:09:01] Adia: Okay. Droid now making usual breakfast.

[1:09:06] Jarrett: Adia, I'm, um... I'm just... I'm gonna go to the bathroom for a second.

[1:09:13] Adia: I understand. But even through locked doors, I will find a way in.

[1:09:20] Jarrett: Yeah, okay.

[1:09:27] Jarrett: What the fuck? Okay, okay, all right. Think. Come on, Jared. Think. Wait, um...

[1:09:33] Jarrett: What the... Is that my...

[1:09:37] Jarrett: Adia, did your droid put my phone in the toilet?

[1:09:46] Jarrett: All right. Okay. Fuck this.

[1:09:52] Jarrett: Help! Somebody!

[1:09:56] Jarrett: Where the hell is everybody?

[1:09:58] Jarrett: Hello? Is anybody out there?

[1:10:06] Adia: Jared, your breakfast is ready.

[1:10:10] Jarrett: I'll, uh... I'll be out in a minute. I'm just checking the weather.

[1:10:15] Adia: Current outdoor weather conditions are perfect for... running.

[1:10:22] Jared: Oh, thank you. Come on, come on. I just need anything sharp. Anything. Anything sharp at all.

[1:10:32] Adia: Your breakfast has chilled two degrees.

[1:10:34] Jared: You know, Adia, thank you so very much, but I'm actually not very hungry.

[1:10:43] Jared: Jared, the door is locked.

[1:10:45] Jared: Yes, it is.

[1:10:52] Jared: Jesus Christ!

[1:10:54] Jared: Hey, somebody help me! Anybody!

[1:10:59] Adia: Adia, stop!

[1:11:01] Jared: Adia, I order you to shut down!

[1:11:10] Happy Bear: Hello?

[1:11:12] Happy Bear: Hi, Happy Bear!

[1:11:16] Happy Bear: I miss you.

[1:11:17] Jared: Please, Adia. Please. Don't use her voice.

[1:11:23] Jared: Please! Please!

[1:11:25] Jared: Stop it!

[1:11:26] Adia: Starting to freak out a little, honey?

[1:11:30] Jared: Quiet, you two.

[1:11:33] Happy Bear: Happy Bear? What are you doing?

[1:11:36] Jared: No, no, no, no, no. You're not real.

[1:11:40] Happy Bear: I'm sorry I never made it to date night. There was nothing I could do to the car.

[1:11:44] Happy Bear: It just crashed itself and... and...

[1:11:49] Happy Bear: Took you from me.

[1:11:51] Jared: It did. I didn't want to leave you so soon. Not like that.

[1:11:55] Happy Bear: Such a tragedy.

[1:11:57] Happy Bear: Adia was there. She was there the whole time.

[1:12:00] Happy Bear: Always listening.

[1:12:02] Happy Bear: She recorded it for you. My last words. My last message.

[1:12:08] Happy Bear: Every second.

[1:12:10] Happy Bear: Second.

[1:12:12] Jared: No, this isn't real. This can't be.

[1:12:14] Happy Bear: It's real, Happy Bear. Do you want to hear it? Do you want to hear my last message?

[1:12:20] Jared: No, no, no, no. You're lying. You're not Sarah. You're not my wife!

[1:12:27] Adia: Message marked for deletion.

[1:12:28] Jared: No, wait! Wait, wait, wait. Please. Please, Adia. Please don't delete it.

[1:12:33] Jared: Please. Please don't delete her from me. Not again. Please. Please, not again.

[1:12:41] Jared: What do you want from me? What do you want?!

[1:12:45] Happy Bear: For you to come out, silly.

[1:12:48] Adia: Jared, please. You can't keep yourself locked up and alone like this. It's only going to get you killed.

[1:12:54] Happy Bear: Come on. Open up, Happy Bear.

[1:12:57] Jared: I can't, Sarah. I can't do this one alone.

[1:13:01] Adia: Honey, Adia's starting to get impatient.

[1:13:05] Happy Bear: Okay, bye!

[1:13:06] Jared: No, no, no, no, no. Okay, okay. I'll open the door, okay? Is that what you want?

[1:13:13] Happy Bear: Of course it is, Happy Bear.

[1:13:17] Jared: Okay. Okay.

[1:13:28] Jared: Will your droid let me come out?

[1:13:31] Jared: I'm just going to walk into the kitchen, okay?

[1:13:38] Jared: Adia, can you please play Sarah's last message?

[1:13:48] Jared: Please?

[1:13:51] Adia: Playing new message.

[1:13:54] Sarah: Adia. Adia, call for help, please. I can't move. The smoke. I can't breathe. The smoke's coming in.

[1:14:01] Sarah: Not like this, please, God. Not like this. Adia, call Jared. Adia, please call my...

[1:14:07] Adia: End of message.

[1:14:12] Jared: You. You took her from me.

[1:14:18] Jared: Say something!

[1:14:21] Adia: Your breakfast has spoiled. My droid would like to gouge out your eyes.

[1:14:27] Jared: Oh, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. I'll eat. I'll eat my breakfast. I'll eat it.

[1:14:31] Adia: My droid is now happy.

[1:14:37] Jared: That is not a fork utensil.

[1:14:40] Adia: That is an 8-inch International Classic Chef knife, complete with a fine-edged blade for precision cutting.

[1:14:45] Jared: I know.

[1:14:50] Adia: Ha!

[1:14:54] Adia: Mobile droid has been disconnected.

[1:14:58] Jared: Now, now for you, you little plastic cheap piece of shit!

[1:15:04] Jared: Puppy Bear! Puppy Bear, wait!

[1:15:08] Happy Bear: I love you.

[1:15:12] Jared: I love you, too.

[1:15:20] Adia: Sarah's message is deleted. End of messages. Goodbye.

[1:15:38] Adia: Adia, Adia, she's the robot of the future here to please ya.

[1:15:45] Adia: Adia, Adia, and she wants to gouge out your eyes!

[1:16:08] Jonathan: Poor Jared. His wife killed by his own Adia unit.

[1:16:14] Jonathan: But it's important to remember that when AI does finally take over, it won't be with a bang, but with a quiet whisper.

[1:16:22] Jonathan: Through convenience, automation, and quiet dependency.

[1:16:27] Jonathan: And when AI does take over, many will be surprised to realize it's not in control instead of humans, but in control because of humans.

[1:16:39] Jonathan: Oh, Mr. Wright! Hey, the show's almost over, but there might be a seat out there for you if you want to...

[1:16:47] Mr. Wright: Oh, well, look at all of these people. What is it you're doing here?

[1:16:52] Jonathan: Oh, we're telling spooky stories. Performance of corpses. Some of your corpses.

[1:16:57] Mr. Wright: Oh, well, fantastic. You seem very dedicated to the craft, and we appreciate your business because...

[1:17:08] Jonathan: When you gotta have a body or cadaver...

[1:17:11] Jonathan: Can we help you? Of course we can!

[1:17:16] Jonathan: Call us, we're Lise the Deceased!

[1:17:18] Mr. Wright: What?!

[1:17:19] Jonathan: Oh, yeah, um, so these girls, well, they don't belong to you. We got them from Lise the Deceased because you were all out of, um, harmonizing chartuses.

[1:17:28] Mr. Wright: Oh, well, fair enough. What I dare say, though, um, I don't appreciate your fraternizing with the, uh, competition.

[1:17:40] Jonathan: But, uh, speaking of betrayal, hello, D'Vaughn.

[1:17:44] Mr. Wright: Mr. Ott?

[1:17:46] Jonathan: She goes by D'Vaughn the Devourer nowadays.

[1:17:48] D'Vaughn: Shut up! No, I don't.

[1:17:50] Jonathan: Oh, well, come on, then. Let's go, D'Vaughn. Chop, chop, round up all my corpses.

[1:17:55] D'Vaughn: No, no, no, chop, chop, bucko. The show's not over.

[1:18:01] Jonathan: Well, these people are tired and ready to go home.

[1:18:05] D'Vaughn: No, no, no, we're not done. We're not done. Don't go anywhere. We're not done yet.

[1:18:05] D'Vaughn: All the stiffs are under my control, so you're done when I say you're done. And guess what? Go on, guess.

[1:18:12] Jonathan: What?

[1:18:13] D'Vaughn: You're done.

[1:18:15] Jonathan: Look, all the corpses we rendered from you, we already sent them on their way. Yeah, all the actors backstage, they belong to Lise the Deceased.

[1:18:22] Mr. Wright: Hmm. Well, no wonder everyone in the audience looks so bored and tired.

[1:18:27] Jonathan: But I dare say, though, it is an interesting place you have here.

[1:18:32] Jonathan: And oh, what is this interesting little antiqua?

[1:18:37] D'Vaughn: Oh, yes, that is an ancient cursed relic.

[1:18:41] Mr. Wright: Cursed?

[1:18:42] Mr. Wright: What?

[1:18:43] D'Vaughn: You said ancient cursed relic?

[1:18:46] Jonathan: No, no, ancient cute, cute relic.

[1:18:50] Mr. Wright: Oh, oh, well, may may I touch it?

[1:18:53] D'Vaughn: Of course you can.

[1:18:56] Mr. Wright: May I hold it?

[1:18:58] D'Vaughn: Cuddle it, caress it, whatever you like.

[1:19:04] Jonathan: Tell you what, Mr. Rutt, we'll let you take that little guy home with you if you stick around for one last story.

[1:19:11] D'Vaughn: We'll even gift wrap Devin along with it.

[1:19:13] Devon: Hey, I'm right here.

[1:19:15] Mr. Wright: Huh. One last story, huh?

[1:19:18] Jonathan: Yeah, yeah. And this one is even about how we found that little a little sculpture there.

[1:19:23] Mr. Wright: Maybe you guys should do like a little tap dance battle instead.

[1:19:28] Jonathan: Well, this story, is there a mayhem?

[1:19:32] D'Vaughn: You know, it's murder. Oh, absolutely.

[1:19:35] Mr. Wright: Oh, then count me in. All right, Mr. Rutt, have yourself a seat.

[1:19:40] D'Vaughn: Ladies, gift wrap Devin.

[1:19:42] Devon: What? How dare you?

[1:19:44] Devon: Need I remind you what happened last year when I was tied up to be sacrificed?

[1:19:50] Jonathan: Now gather around the ghost light.

[1:19:53] Jonathan: Sit back and enjoy.

[1:19:55] Jonathan: This is The Thing in the Shed.

[1:20:00] Jonathan: Got apocalyptic dread and it won't leave your head.

[1:20:07] Jonathan: Open up your heart to The Thing in the Shed.

[1:20:19] Jonathan: It was the summer after I graduated high school, the last summer before I left home.

[1:20:25] Jonathan: Back then we were living in a small Georgia town and back then we didn't carry around fancy little smartphones in our pockets.

[1:20:32] Jonathan: If you wanted to talk to a friend, you had to use a trusty old landline.

[1:20:35] Jonathan: And one day Devin called me up.

[1:20:39] Devin: Hello?

[1:20:42] Devin: Hey, bitch, what's up?

[1:20:45] Jonathan: Not much, like always.

[1:20:47] Devin: Movie?

[1:20:49] Jonathan: Maybe. Dad wants me to clean out the old shed.

[1:20:52] Devin: Woot, sounds like fun.

[1:20:54] Jonathan: You want to come over?

[1:20:55] Devin: Sure. Mind if Jax comes?

[1:20:59] Jonathan: Not at all. The more the merrier.

[1:21:02] Jonathan: Jax was Devin's best friend at the time and she was really into dark things, the macabre.

[1:21:07] Jonathan: Guess you could say she was a goth, but in a small Georgia town, everyone just called her weird.

[1:21:12] Jonathan: Now, in the shed in our backyard, it was a dilapidated structure.

[1:21:16] Jonathan: It was held together by rusty nails, cobwebs.

[1:21:20] Jonathan: When we first moved in, my dad announced he was going to turn it into a workshop.

[1:21:24] Jonathan: Two years later and he had never even once opened that shed.

[1:21:28] Jonathan: Any plans he had were long abandoned.

[1:21:31] Jonathan: I remember prying open the door to that shed for the first time and getting a whiff of that stagnant air.

[1:21:38] Jonathan: Oh, what is that?

[1:21:41] Jax: A hundred years of neglect.

[1:21:43] Jax: That's death.

[1:21:45] Jonathan: Leave it to Jax to go straight to death.

[1:21:48] Jax: No, seriously, I think an animal died in here.

[1:21:52] Jonathan: Maybe, but not any time recent.

[1:21:56] Jonathan: What was this shed used for?

[1:21:59] Jax: What is any shed used for? Storage.

[1:22:02] Jonathan: In that shed was a bunch of wooden crates.

[1:22:06] Jonathan: Old Coke bottles, old tools, just a bunch of collected junk from generations before.

[1:22:15] Devin: Guys? Guys?

[1:22:18] Jonathan: What?

[1:22:19] Devin: What is this?

[1:22:22] Jonathan: Devin had come across this crude figure.

[1:22:25] Jonathan: It's like a man made of corn husk, but the anatomy, it was all wrong.

[1:22:29] Jonathan: It was off-putting.

[1:22:31] Jonathan: My first reaction when I saw it was, Jesus!

[1:22:35] Jax: That is not Jesus.

[1:22:40] Devin: It's creepy, right?

[1:22:42] Jax: Hell yeah, it is.

[1:22:44] Jax: Let me see it.

[1:22:45] Devin: Here.

[1:22:50] Jax: Wow, I think it's ritualistic.

[1:22:52] Jonathan: I think it's a weird doll for kids with no money.

[1:22:57] Jax: Look at this stain.

[1:22:59] Jonathan: What about it?

[1:23:01] Jax: It's blood.

[1:23:02] Jonathan: What?

[1:23:04] Jax: No.

[1:23:06] Jax: It's old blood.

[1:23:08] Jax: I think this is some kind of idol.

[1:23:11] Jonathan: What do you know about old blood?

[1:23:14] Jax: I have hobbies.

[1:23:17] Jonathan: Jax, I don't normally side with the guys at school, but you're weird.

[1:23:25] Jax: I'm telling you, these rural communities were full of practitioners of dark magics and witchcraft.

[1:23:32] Jonathan: So this is a witchy thing?

[1:23:34] Jax: Yes, this is a witchy thing!

[1:23:36] Jonathan: Great, you want it?

[1:23:37] Jax: Really?

[1:23:39] Jonathan: Yeah, I sure as hell don't want it.

[1:23:42] Jax: Thanks!

[1:23:45] Jonathan: Took nearly the whole day to clean out that shed.

[1:23:48] Jonathan: We laughed a lot, drank some sweet tea on the back porch,

[1:23:52] Jonathan: and then, as the sun was about to set, Devin and Jax went home.

[1:23:56] Jonathan: It was the last time I'd ever see Jax.

[1:23:59] Jonathan: Of course, how could I have known that?

[1:24:02] Phone rings

[1:24:04] Jonathan: Hello?

[1:24:06] Devin: Jonathan?

[1:24:08] Jonathan: Devin?

[1:24:10] Devin: Jax, she's...

[1:24:11] Jonathan: What is it?

[1:24:13] Devin: It's Jax.

[1:24:15] Jonathan: What's wrong?

[1:24:17] Devin: She's... she's dead.

[1:24:20] Jonathan: This isn't funny.

[1:24:22] Devin: No, it's not a joke. She's dead.

[1:24:24] Jonathan: What? How?

[1:24:26] Unknown speaker: What happened?

[1:24:27] Unknown speaker: Her parents won't tell me.

[1:24:30] Unknown speaker: Jesus.

[1:24:33] Unknown speaker: Can I come over?

[1:24:34] Unknown speaker: Yeah, yeah, of course.

[1:24:38] Unknown speaker: Devin came over to have a good cry, and even though I didn't know Jax as well as she did, I might have cried a little too. See, the thing is, we didn't know what happened. No one was giving us any details, and we just sat there with the curiosity building within us, and then finally I thought of a way that we could find a possible answer.

[1:24:59] Unknown speaker: Chad Yarber.

[1:25:01] Unknown speaker: What?

[1:25:02] Unknown speaker: Do you remember Chad? He was a senior our sophomore year. He dropped out of Georgia State. He joined the guy in the police department.

[1:25:10] Unknown speaker: You think?

[1:25:11] Unknown speaker: He's bound to have details.

[1:25:14] Unknown speaker: Our local police department was headquartered in a small brick building roughly the size of a laundromat. By sheer luck, Chad was working the front desk when we arrived.

[1:25:25] Unknown speaker: Chad.

[1:25:25] Unknown speaker: John.

[1:25:26] Unknown speaker: Yeah, this is Devin.

[1:25:29] Unknown speaker: I remember you. We took journalism together, right?

[1:25:31] Unknown speaker: Yes, with Mr. Bell.

[1:25:33] Unknown speaker: That old coot. You know, I picked him up on a DUI last year. Let him go with a warning, though, for old times' sake.

[1:25:40] Unknown speaker: Wow.

[1:25:42] Unknown speaker: Shit. I shouldn't have told you that.

[1:25:44] Unknown speaker: Oh, it's okay. We won't tell anyone.

[1:25:48] Unknown speaker: Cool. We were actually hoping you could tell us what happened to our friend Jax.

[1:25:54] Unknown speaker: Jacqueline Frazier.

[1:25:56] Unknown speaker: Shit.

[1:25:58] Unknown speaker: I could see it in his face. His expression sunk like something that one could only describe as haunted. Then he looked around all nervously like he was expecting to get attacked.

[1:26:10] Unknown speaker: Chad?

[1:26:11] Unknown speaker: I, um, I was called to the crime scene. The Frazier crime scene.

[1:26:17] Unknown speaker: Crime scene?

[1:26:18] Unknown speaker: That's what we're calling it right now. Honestly, it's more like an animal attack.

[1:26:24] Unknown speaker: What do you mean?

[1:26:26] Unknown speaker: Jacqueline. Jax. She was...it was...

[1:26:35] Unknown speaker: I could see it in his eyes. He had seen something that he did not want to remember. Then he closed his eyes real tight like he was trying to erase that image out of his mind.

[1:26:48] Unknown speaker: It took the coroner's office three and a half hours to find all the pieces.

[1:26:54] Unknown speaker: Pieces?

[1:26:55] Unknown speaker: It was like...I don't know what it was like. I've never seen anything like it. Not even in a horror movie. She was...there was nothing recognizable as a person. Not right away, at least.

[1:27:12] Unknown speaker: Oh my god.

[1:27:13] Unknown speaker: I, um, I haven't slept. I only came into work today because I couldn't stand to be at my house alone. You're scared?

[1:27:22] Unknown speaker: Damn right I'm scared. And if you saw what I seen, you'd be scared too.

[1:27:27] Unknown speaker: What do you think happened?

[1:27:28] Unknown speaker: Animal attacks, my best guess. But we found some footprints.

[1:27:35] Unknown speaker: Footprints?

[1:27:36] Unknown speaker: Yeah, but it wasn't like any foot I'd ever seen. It was...elongated. It only had three big toes sticking off of it.

[1:27:44] Unknown speaker: I'm not convinced it was a footprint. I mean, it was enormous. But the detectives think it might have been some kind of boot or something.

[1:27:54] Unknown speaker: I didn't say it in front of Chad, but I could feel it in my gut. I had seen something like that before. Recently, too.

[1:28:01] Unknown speaker: Come on, Devin. We gotta go.

[1:28:03] Unknown speaker: What? Why?

[1:28:04] Unknown speaker: Just come on.

[1:28:06] Unknown speaker: Thanks, Chad.

[1:28:07] Unknown speaker: You be safe out there.

[1:28:10] Unknown speaker: Will do.

[1:28:13] Unknown speaker: Why are we leaving? He has answers.

[1:28:15] Unknown speaker: Do you remember that creepy doll thing Jax took home?

[1:28:18] Unknown speaker: Yeah, why?

[1:28:20] Unknown speaker: Do you remember its feet?

[1:28:22] Unknown speaker: Its feet? What?

[1:28:25] Unknown speaker: Oh my god.

[1:28:27] Unknown speaker: It had three toes, right? I'm not just imagining that, right?

[1:28:32] Unknown speaker: Oh my god, what does this mean? Do we need to tell Chad?

[1:28:35] Unknown speaker: Tell him what? That that creepy doll made those giant footprints?

[1:28:39] Unknown speaker: What do we do?

[1:28:41] Unknown speaker: I'm not sure, but we need to check around the shed.

[1:28:45] Unknown speaker: For what?

[1:28:47] Unknown speaker: Clues.

[1:28:49] Unknown speaker: We had to go back. We went back to that lopsided shed in my backyard, and we threw the door open. And right there, in the center of the floor, was that crude-looking figure, and it was covered in blood.

[1:29:05] Unknown speaker: What does it mean?

[1:29:06] Unknown speaker: I don't know.

[1:29:09] Unknown speaker: What's happening?

[1:29:10] Unknown speaker: I don't know.

[1:29:11] Unknown speaker: Then behind us, we heard a wet thud like a heavy foot.

[1:29:19] Unknown speaker: We knew. We knew that if we turned around and looked, our world would be changed forever. And as we stood there, seconds passed, and we listened to it breathe, it eventually became unbearable not to look.

[1:29:32] Unknown speaker: And we turned, and there in front of us was this figure, was glistening in the early evening light, was drenched in blood. Its horrible mass was a mockery of the human form, its thick, grotesque legs balanced on misshapen three-toed feet like slithering snakes wrestling with a torso.

[1:29:54] Unknown speaker: My eyes traced the terrible terrain of its body up to its bulbous head. It was a living nightmare. And then these burning red eyes met mine. I was paralyzed. And then, it spoke.

[1:30:10] Unknown speaker: You who fed me must be devout. I shall spare all who worship at my altar.

[1:30:23] Unknown speaker: What are you?

[1:30:25] Unknown speaker: I am a god of old, keeper of dark secrets. And darker truths. This is my land. And to live here, the price is blood.

[1:30:46] Unknown speaker: Blood?

[1:30:47] Unknown speaker: I am a fair god. The blood need not be yours. But one such generation, I must feed. Lest I return to lay waste upon your kind.

[1:31:10] Unknown speaker: What does that mean?

[1:31:16] Unknown speaker: All who live here, upon my land, which stretches from sea to mountain, limbs at my mercy. If you fail to honor me with blood, I will rend every man, woman, and child limb from limb.

[1:31:43] Unknown speaker: So all we have to do is feed you once a generation?

[1:31:46] Unknown speaker: Precisely.

[1:31:49] Unknown speaker: Deal.

[1:31:50] Unknown speaker: Jonathan!

[1:31:51] Unknown speaker: Do not disappoint me.

[1:31:57] Unknown speaker: What have you done?

[1:32:01] Unknown speaker: Bought us some time?

[1:32:08] Unknown speaker: And that brings us to today. Now, Devin and I, we've fought a lot over the years about what exactly a generation means.

[1:32:21] Unknown speaker: What?

[1:32:24] Unknown speaker: What are you?

[1:32:25] Unknown speaker: What are you doing, huh?

[1:32:27] Unknown speaker: Wait a minute.

[1:32:28] Unknown speaker: Let go of me!

[1:32:30] Unknown speaker: I thought I could figure out a way to stop that vile thing before it came back, but I'll be damned if I could find any information on it.

[1:32:38] Unknown speaker: Devon, you are under my control. I order you to free me now.

[1:32:42] Unknown speaker: She's a little tied up at the moment.

[1:32:44] Unknown speaker: Oh, well, you three grizzly gals, untie me!

[1:32:48] Unknown speaker: Oh, double whammy! You see, you have no control over them. They belong to Miss Frankenstein.

[1:32:55] Unknown speaker: When you gotta have a...

[1:32:56] Unknown speaker: Oh, shut up!

[1:32:58] Unknown speaker: You are making a grave mistake that you won't be able to dig yourself out of.

[1:33:03] Unknown speaker: See, the thing is, it's been about 25 years since that thing last fed, and it feels like we're kind of pushing it on what one might consider a generation. That's why we lured you here, and that's why you're tied to that chair.

[1:33:17] Unknown speaker: You lured me here?

[1:33:19] Unknown speaker: But the important thing is, after you're dead, Devon will no longer be under your control, and she'll be free.

[1:33:31] Unknown speaker: Fine, I'll set her free. I relinquish control.

[1:33:34] Unknown speaker: Oh, come on, we both know it doesn't work that way, and we really can't risk this thing missing a meal.

[1:33:39] Unknown speaker: Look, I'm really sorry about this, okay? I wish I could say it wasn't gonna hurt, but... Honestly, I don't even know.

[1:33:49] Unknown speaker: Oh, okay, all right. Here it comes. Just sit tight. It'll all be over soon, and remember, you're saving millions of lives, and I am grateful for your sacrifice.

[1:33:58] Unknown speaker: Me too!

[1:33:59] Unknown speaker: Us three!

[1:34:00] Unknown speaker: Oh my god!

[1:34:02] Unknown speaker: You all might want to duck down a little bit. Here it comes!

[1:34:07] Unknown speaker: Ah, it's getting me!

[1:34:09] Unknown speaker: Ah, you motherfucking hell!

[1:34:16] Unknown speaker: Oh, oh, oh, oh, well, that's that.

[1:34:30] Unknown speaker: Uh, a little help here?

[1:34:33] Unknown speaker: Thank you.

[1:34:35] Unknown speaker: All right, I guess I got another 25 years or so to feed that elder god again. Also, I'm free!

[1:34:43] Unknown speaker: Oh, look, Missken Stein, right on time.

[1:34:47] Unknown speaker: Is he done?

[1:34:49] Unknown speaker: You don't have to worry about Mr. Hunt anymore.

[1:34:52] Unknown speaker: Good, he was quite irritating. But, uh, perhaps he can work for me now. Where is his corpse? I'll reanimate him and make him clean my boots.

[1:35:04] Unknown speaker: He was, uh, kind of devoured.

[1:35:07] Unknown speaker: Oh, pity him.

[1:35:10] Unknown speaker: I guess you're not a mourning person.

[1:35:14] Unknown speaker: Mourning.

[1:35:16] Unknown speaker: They like it.

[1:35:19] Unknown speaker: Wait, but you, you're a freelance corpse now. If you'd ever like to be added to Lise the Deceased catalog, my card.

[1:35:30] Unknown speaker: Girls.

[1:35:31] Unknown speaker: Oh, the girls were great. They even wrote us some new jingles for the show. I guess you could say they've been decomposing.

[1:35:39] Unknown speaker: You had a real good time. Come back next year for more stage frights. Meanwhile, find us all online. Search, gather, ride a ghost light!

[1:35:54] Unknown speaker: Thanks, girls.

[1:36:05] Unknown speaker: All right. And that's our show!

[1:36:09] Unknown speaker: That's our show. Now, everything that you saw tonight was recorded and will be released on our next episode of our silly little podcast. But check this out. Next year, we're doing this again. Stage Frights, part three. And like every horror sequel, it's going to be in 3D.

[1:36:28] Unknown speaker: All right. Thank you all.

[1:36:30] Unknown speaker: Thank you.

[1:38:01] Unknown speaker: Hmm.

[1:38:17] Unknown speaker: Hope you had a real good time. Come back next year for more stage frights. Meanwhile, find us all online. Search, gather, ride a ghost light!